Chapter Ninety-Three: The Truth (2)

Wei Zhuang found it absurd and actually laughed aloud. He seized her shoulder at once, his expression cruel and furious. His strength was so great that Ye Qianran winced in pain where he held her, and every word he spoke seemed ground out from between his teeth. “Then what did you come here for today? Since you have no regrets, why did you come?”

His hatred was so plain that a sudden shiver of fear rose in Ye Qianran’s heart. She was afraid of him. She had always been afraid of him.

And yet she kept looking straight at him, without the slightest retreat. Pain kept stabbing at her shoulder, and she frowned. “You have always believed that I hated you and him because Liu Yun betrayed you, but you are wrong. I did not leave you because of him. Whatever happened between us has nothing to do with him.”

Wei Zhuang let out a cold laugh and released her. “So in the end, it is still for him. Qianran, do you really think I would believe you?”

Ye Qianran walked straight to the curtain, reached out, and grasped the beaded strands. With a light tug, the beads fell in a clattering stream to the floor, sounding like a chain of qin notes. Through the curtain, the ivy on the wall could be faintly seen. She said softly, “Why did I want to leave back then? When the thought first came to me, it was because we had quarreled. Not even a real quarrel, just a cold war. Whenever we stopped speaking, you would go out. As for what you did, I did not know, though I could guess. You had so many lovers: clever ones, beautiful ones, gentle ones, passionate ones. But I had only you. And I could not show how much I cared, because the reason you liked me was that you had never had me. What people cannot obtain are always the best. I could not let you know how much I cared for you. I could only use that kind of method to make you keep liking me, keep loving me. But the longer it went on, the more afraid I became. Afraid I would become just one among your many women. Afraid that one day you would abandon me. And what frightened me most was realizing that I had fallen in love with you, so I had no choice but to leave. I would rather be the one who wronged you than let the day come when you wronged me. If I loved you and you betrayed me, I would rather die than live.” She paused, then went on, “I never wanted you to know how much I cared for you. I never wanted to show weakness before you. But none of that matters now. I spent three years in torment after leaving you. Today, at last, I have the chance to tell you all this. Whether you believe it or not, whether you hate me or hate him, it no longer matters.”

Wei Zhuang’s expression remained icy, but heat began to burn deep in his eyes. He looked at her back and said in a cold voice, “So I was so unworthy of trust in your heart.”

Ye Qianran gave a bitter smile and turned around. “It was only a few days ago, when we met again, that I suddenly understood. The one you truly loved was the me you could never have, the me who loved Zhuge Liuyun. What you were obsessed with was not me, but him. If I had not had him in my heart, if I had loved you with all my heart, perhaps you would have cast me aside long ago. My choice three years ago was not wrong at all.”

Wei Zhuang looked at her coldly and said nothing. After a long time, he suddenly grabbed her forcefully, turned her around, and pressed her against the table behind her. With a sweep of his arm, the wine bottles and cups on the table crashed to the floor with a sharp clatter. Ye Qianran was pinned against the tabletop, her waist pressed tightly to its edge. A cold breath escaped her throat. Wei Zhuang leaned close to her, one hand gripping her wrist, his eyes seeming ready to spit fire.

“What right do you have to think that of me? What right do you have to sentence me to death based only on your guesswork? You think I loved only the version of you that loved Zhuge Liuyun? How laughable. I wish you had never met him. I wish your eyes had held only me. I wish I could tear him out of your heart completely. I liked you before I even knew about your relationship. How can you slander me like this? How can you refuse to believe me like this?”

Ye Qianran froze.

Seeing her stunned expression, Wei Zhuang lifted a hand to her temple. His voice suddenly turned soft and low. “Do you know? The first time I saw you at the Eight Directions Inn, I was already drawn to you. You were so small, yet so dazzling that no one could ignore you. Later I learned you were Master Ye’s daughter, so I used the pretext of visiting him to see you. You were so fearless, and yet so innocent. Being with you always made me feel happy, so I often went to find you to play. That night in the warm chamber, I sat beside the bed and watched you sleep, my heart full of delight. Then I heard you calling another man’s name in your dream, and my heart went cold at once. Only then did I understand that there was already someone in your heart. A gentleman does not snatch what another loves, so I decided not to disturb you anymore. The thing you asked me to do, I did not want to do at first, but somehow I still went. When I returned to the capital, I did not want to see you, and yet I still went. I realized that I was not like this with other women. With other women, I had always been the one in control. But with you, I could not control myself. I did not need a woman who could control me, so I deliberately made myself fall out with you, cutting off this feeling that should never have begun. Who would have thought that in the end I still could not control myself, and so I shamelessly went to seek you out again.”

Ye Qianran stared at him, dazed, as if in a dream. His voice was deep and gentle, and she felt herself melting little by little. She had never understood why he had been so warm and then so cold, why he always seemed to enjoy provoking her. Now she suddenly understood. So that was how it was.

Wei Zhuang buried his face in the hollow of her shoulder. Ye Qianran did not dare move.

His voice was muffled against her ear. “Later, when the emperor decreed our marriage, even if you had not come to find me, I would not have remained unmoved. But even then, I never took Zhuge Liuyun to heart, because I knew he was in your heart. I never thought of taking you for myself. I only liked you. Then the Ye family was destroyed. For you to save the Ye family without reservation, you chose to marry me. I knew perfectly well why you married me, yet I still fell for you. I thought that if two people spent enough time together, perhaps one day you would truly fall in love with me, so I married you. When did Zhuge Liuyun become a blade in my heart? From the moments when you would fall into a daze, whether deliberately or not. From the name you called out in your sleep at night. From the way you held me absentmindedly...” His voice lowered further. “There were so many details in daily life. I was terrified. I knew how outstanding he was: his noble family background, his good upbringing, the bright future everyone envied. And I was only a wanderer, a merchant with a rotten reputation. In all these years, I have been afraid of many things, but I feared him because you loved him, because you did not love me. So I never mentioned him before you. I was even afraid just to hear that name. Afraid that one day he would suddenly appear. Afraid that he would snatch you from my side. I guarded against it day and night, and yet I never waited for his appearance. I waited instead for your letter of divorce, for you to leave so ruthlessly. That period was the darkest time of my life. In the first year, I hated you, hated him. I hated that I had not killed you. I wished I could kill him. But as time went on, my hatred for you faded, and my longing grew stronger. I hated myself for being unable to let go of you, yet I could not stop thinking of you. The more I restrained myself, the more I missed you. I truly felt I was driving myself insane. I never understood why someone like me, who had seen through the emptiness and drift of the human world, someone who thought himself calm and realistic enough to never have a weakness, would fall in the hands of a seventeen-year-old girl, until I heard that phrase: love arises for no reason, and once it begins, it runs deep. Only then did I understand that some things truly need no explanation. Later, when I heard that Zhuge Liuyun had gone missing, I sent people to find him. After finding him, I stayed beside him in secret, became his friend, and urged him to marry A Chun. I did all of that so he could not be with you. I could have killed him, but I delayed again and again, because I knew that if I wanted to see you, I had to leave him alive, because one day you would come looking. Only then did I understand that deep in my heart, I still wanted you. Even if you had betrayed me, I still could not let you go. After all these years, what I want is still only you. You are my one and only weakness. Without you, life would be worse than death.”

Warm tears fell onto her skin, and Ye Qianran’s heart suddenly began to burn.

There are two kinds of love in this world that are hardest to resist: one is when a man who never sheds blood for himself bleeds for you; the other is when a man who never sheds tears for himself sheds them for you. This man’s tears were so rare, and every time, they were for her.

Once this man shed tears, she even felt she could die for him.

How wrong she had been. How wrong they had both been.

They had clearly held each other’s hands, and yet neither had known it.

So when they let go, they did not feel pain, only that it was natural, as though it ought to have been so all along. But one day, in some year and some month and some date, when all the truth was finally laid bare before the world, they would only then feel the pain, a pain of almost tranquil sorrow.

They were both far too proud, too proud to bow their heads for anyone. If, back then, either one of them had spoken these words, the ending would never have been like this.

Wei Zhuang looked up at her, his eyes heavy with anguish. His long, dry fingers brushed the corner of her eye. “Qianran, do not leave me again. I said all those hateful things for no other reason than to keep you here. I cannot live without you. I cannot lose you.”

Ye Qianran stared at him, dazed. Her thoughts blurred, her gaze scattered and distant. She could no longer think.

Her body was soft and fragrant, while his carried a cold scent. Wei Zhuang looked down at her beneath him. Her eyes were still beautiful, her body still warm and supple. He had missed her so much, and now she was here beside him.

Unable to restrain himself, Wei Zhuang lowered his head and kissed her, dominant and lingering. Ye Qianran suddenly looped her arms around his neck, and her whole body turned hot. It turned out that her body, too, had been longing for him. Three years had passed, and he was still the one who could stir the deepest desires in her heart at any moment. The longing of three years instantly transformed into love so intense it seemed to hunger for death.

Human feelings are such strange things. Distance and time can destroy them, and they can also make them bloom more wildly and magnificently.

Love is joy, clouds drifting, rain falling; all things cross before the eyes. In the blink of an eye, three autumns have passed. At the moment when your blood and bones once again intertwine, I finally understand: you are the gauze-soft haze from which there is no escape.