Chapter Ninety-Two: The Truth

Night.

Dew was heavy, the stars bright, the moon a waning crescent.

In the inn’s little courtyard grew plane trees and green bamboo. Moonlight settled on the pavilion beside the plane tree. Ye Qianran sat on the steps beneath it, the leaves swaying overhead and the bamboo whispering with a rustle.

The Milky Way stretched far across the heavens, and the night on the steps was cool as water.

Between the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl lay the Silver River. They stood opposite one another, gazing in silence, unable to be together. A thousand years later, seas had turned to mulberry fields and back again, yet they were still only looking at one another from afar, wordless. That kind of understanding, that deep meeting of hearts, was something no river of stars could ever divide.

They were no longer together, yet they endured the trials of time and distance better than many who stayed side by side.

As for her, she had never been able to withstand such trials, and that was why she had ended up alone.

Did she regret it? Perhaps she did not.

Only, whenever she thought back on the past, she could not help wondering: if she had not stubbornly chosen to leave all those years ago, what would her life be like now? Would she be like her mother, a content and happy lady within her home? Or had the bond between them already shattered, a pair once meant to hold hands and admire the blossoms and the full moon together, only to grow weary of it all and let go? She would have remained alone in a lonely boudoir, while he continued wandering among fields of flowers.

But there was no more "but." The good and the bad had long since ceased to belong to her.

She rose and walked once around the courtyard. Standing before the bamboo and looking toward the plane tree, she thought of the old legend: the phoenix often fed on green bamboo and rested upon the plane tree. Seen from a distance now, with moonlight falling over the branches and shadows mottling the trunk, the tree truly seemed to hold a resting bird within its boughs.

This small town in the south of the Yangtze was so gentle and full of sentiment that it reminded Ye Qianran of the days in childhood when she often trailed after her maternal grandfather on his journeys. Every day had been fresh and new. Back then, she had had someone to rely on. Her grandfather’s dry, steady hand had held hers, and her heart had been full and abundant. She had looked at mountains and seen mountains, looked at water and seen water: simple, clear, untroubled.

Now, such pure feeling was beyond her reach.

She returned to the steps and sat down again. The moonlight shone ancient and eternal. She felt a little cold, yet did not want to go back to her room. The room was too cramped, too narrow; it usually left her turning restlessly through the night. Her heart held too much, and all of it was heavy, impossible to set down.

She felt tired, as though the weariness of these three years had been accumulating all along, only to rush out at once now that she had met them again.

Qingfeng came down the steps and saw her sitting alone in front of the pavilion. He sat beside her. His dark blue robes disappeared into the darkness. Ye Qianran hugged her knees and stared ahead without moving.

Qingfeng lifted his head to the night sky. The stars glittered. He asked, "What about you? Can't sleep either?"

Ye Qianran answered vaguely, "Mm."

For a long while, neither of them spoke.

The wind brushed past their ears and stirred their temples. The bamboo whispered softly. In the silent black night, the green water lay across the ripples.

After a long silence, Ye Qianran’s voice rose, low and somewhat blurred. "After all these years, I never expected the only ones left would be the two of us."

Qingfeng gave a low laugh, his voice bright with amusement. "Who told us we’re both lone souls? In the end, it’s only the solitary keeping company with the solitary." Even the listener could feel the joy in it.

Ye Qianran turned her head to look at him. "Why do you always seem to have no troubles at all?"

Qingfeng tilted his head and thought for a moment. "Maybe because there’s nothing in particular I’ve ever desperately wanted. So when I lose something, I don’t really feel that I’ve lost anything. That’s why I have no troubles."

Ye Qianran lowered her head and idly plucked at the grass by her feet, smiling faintly. "If only I were like you, wanting nothing and asking for nothing."

Qingfeng looked up and said, "But sometimes I envy others too. When I watch other people’s passionate loves and hates, I wonder what I would do if it were me, and what the result would be. Yet when such things truly come before me, they seem to matter less, because I have never truly wanted to possess them."

Ye Qianran narrowed her eyes and looked into the distance. "What you can’t have is always the best. I envy you, and you envy others. But if one day we really became the kind of people we want to be, who knows what new troubles would arise?"

Qingfeng glanced at her in profile, a faint smile on his face. "A year and more without seeing you, and you’ve changed quite a lot. Even the way you speak has become so profound. Truly not simple."

Ye Qianran pushed him in annoyance. "The way you say that makes me sound childish before. I’ve always spoken this profoundly, all right?"

The smile on Qingfeng’s face deepened. "That’s your own saying. I didn’t say it."

Ye Qianran pinched his arm hard. "You still say that? You still say that? Back when you were with my brother, you were just as fond of bullying me. Now I’m weak and alone, and you still want to bully me. You really have no conscience at all."

Seeing her coy anger, Qingfeng could not help but clap his hands and laugh. Ye Qianran held her face sternly and watched him laugh so freely. At last she could not restrain herself and burst out laughing too.

How long had it been since she had spoken to someone like this without restraint, without needing to guess the other person’s thoughts or mind her own behavior? To say whatever she wanted, to do whatever she pleased.

After their laughter subsided, the two of them sat side by side on the steps, looking out at the cool moonlight. Qingfeng asked lightly, "What are your plans now?"

Ye Qianran gazed at the night sky. Her voice was as cool as the moonlight. "What other plans could I have? I’ll roam the world."

Qingfeng looked at her. Feeling his gaze, Ye Qianran turned to him as well. "Why don’t we keep each other company?"

"Then do you mind taking me with you?"

The two spoke at the same time, then fell silent together.

And then they laughed again.

Qianran asked, "Then when do you plan to leave?"

Qingfeng rose and shrugged. "I don’t mind. It depends on you."

Then he reached out and pulled her up. Ye Qianran lowered her head and brushed the dust from her clothes. "Then you’ll have to wait for me a little while. There are some matters I need to bring to an end. Two days. In two days, we’ll set out together."

Qingfeng smiled. "I’ll use this time to go see Liuyun as well. I don’t even know when we’ll meet again next."

The third watch drum sounded from the street. Looking up at the sky, they saw the river of stars glittering, the moonlike water shining, and a faint night mist gathering all around. Spring was nearly over, and summer was about to arrive.

The next day, Ye Qianran deliberately dressed and made herself presentable. In a pale violet gown, with snow-white skin and jet-black hair, she was no longer the youthful girl of three years ago. She had gained a little maturity; she was no longer a round and radiant pearl that shone brilliantly wherever she went, impossible for anyone to overlook. Now she was more like the moon at night: gentle, warm, and soft. Though it was easy at times to pass her by unnoticed, once you lifted your head, it was always easy to be conquered by her beauty.

Ye Qianran looked at herself in the bronze mirror. She had already passed the years of youthful bloom. The corners of her eyes no longer held the same allure as before. Her skin was still fair, but no longer as dazzlingly lovely as it had once been. Her hands were still slender, yet had lost their former sheen. There were faint calluses in her palms. Three years of wandering and hard labor had left her much more haggard. She was no longer the girl who could bring down a city with a smile in Suzhou.

She sighed. Time flew like an arrow, each shaft piercing and withering the heart. Youth could not be held, and radiance faded away.

By now, she probably had little appeal left for Wei Zhuang. That was good. It was time to put an end to this, to free herself from the guilt and torment she had carried for him these past three years. She only hoped they could each let go and begin anew, as if I had never met you and you had never known me, each walking his own road. Even if they brushed past one another in the street, neither would turn back.

After lunch, she went up the mountain with Qingfeng.

Qingfeng went to find Liuyun, while she continued on. Turning down an alley, she stopped before a wooden gate. Though she had been here only once before, Ye Qianran still remembered that this was Wei Zhuang’s courtyard.

Evergreen ivy climbed the courtyard wall, even winding its way up the osmanthus tree within. Standing outside, Ye Qianran could faintly catch the fragrance of apricot blossoms. In the lane paved with blue stone, a fine rain of apricot petals drifted through the air. The villagers here seemed especially fond of apricot blossoms; every household had planted apricot trees, and when the flowers bloomed, the whole village was engulfed in a beautiful rain of petals.

Straightening her hair, Ye Qianran pressed a hand to her chest. Her heart was pounding fiercely. She was nervous, uneasy, but she still forced herself to knock with calm composure.

After a short while, the door opened. The moment Wei Zhuang saw her, he froze.

Clenching her right hand, Ye Qianran looked at him calmly. He was still the same as ever, as though he had not changed at all: a dark robe, hair bound high on his head, sharp features and clear lines, eyes like black obsidian, and at the corners of his mouth, a faint smile that held a trace of mockery. He was no different from the first time she had seen him, except that before he had seemed frivolous to her, whereas now he felt heavy.

Wei Zhuang said nothing. Turning, he walked toward the wooden house. Ye Qianran followed him into the courtyard.

A cool breeze met her face. Blossoms drifted everywhere, apricot flowers fluttering through the air. The osmanthus tree in the courtyard was lush with leaves, full of vitality. Under the tree, several pigeons pecked at their food. Ivy surrounded the entire courtyard. Such a quiet, green place unexpectedly stirred in her a desire to weep.

She had only come here once, yet the atmosphere felt so familiar. Everywhere bore Wei Zhuang’s mark. He liked ivy, liked osmanthus trees, liked pigeons. She remembered all of it. Even the estate outside the capital had these things. She remembered once standing beneath the ivy while he held her, watching the sunset sink little by little.

Biting her lip, she went into the wooden house. The smell of alcohol washed over her at once. Wei Zhuang turned around, his expression cold. "What are you doing here?"

Ye Qianran clenched her right hand and said quietly, "I came to bid you farewell."

Wei Zhuang clearly froze again. When he recovered, he suddenly laughed. "Bid me farewell? Three years ago you left behind a letter of divorce and walked away so freely. Three years later, there is no longer any connection between us. Why have you suddenly thought to come bid me farewell?"

Ye Qianran did not answer. Instead, she walked straight past him, lifted the curtain to the inner room, and found indeed a pot of wine and a cup on the wooden table. She picked up the pot and poured herself a full cup. Raising it, she looked at him, her voice cool. "Why come to bid you farewell? Because I feel guilty. Because I’m sorry to you. Because I no longer want to live in such pain. I came to ask for your forgiveness. This cup is to honor you. Thank you for giving up Gu Qingcheng for my sake back then."

With that, she drained the cup in one gulp. Wei Zhuang looked at her coldly as she went on alone, unmoved.

Ye Qianran poured a second cup. "This cup is to honor you. Thank you for everything you did for the Ye family."

"This third cup is also for you. Thank you for your indulgence toward me back then."

"This fourth cup, I offer as my apology to myself. When I married you, I could not give you my whole heart. Please forgive me."

She raised it again, intending to drink it all at once, but Wei Zhuang snatched the cup away and tilted his head back to swallow it himself. The cup struck the table with a sharp clack as he set it down. A cold smile spread across his face. "Only now do you think to apologize. Don’t you think it’s a little late?"

Ye Qianran gripped the edge of the table. "I know it’s late. But late is better than never. Since leaving three years ago, I have lived every moment in torment. I could not face myself. I could not face the you in my memory. I never knew betraying someone could hurt this much. I don’t want to live like this anymore, so I came. Whether it’s late or not, I had to say these things."

A trace of mockery curved Wei Zhuang’s lips. "What, so you’ve finally realized your mistake? Regret it now?"

Ye Qianran looked at him, yet there was not the slightest regret in her eyes. "Though I admit I was wrong, I have never regretted it. If given another chance, I would still choose the same."